Interview in Spring

By Jay, 26 March 2023

Red-tinged catkins on the wet asphalt path, besides the flowing mead. Blossom and magnolia flares burn in recent memory. Spring makes its way, in the buffeting wind and rain. Warm mornings surprise open doors, only for the rain to shut them again.

A journey to an interview that was a journey beyond the past. You were not going to go but you did. Traveling to a town beyond a university city, out into the countryside. It was too far but maybe it would be a hybrid role. Maybe, you would finally move, even though, you cannot conceive of it. At the station, an expensive tea and stodgy muffin, carried onto the waiting train.

You stop at the city that you studied in in the far off past. At this train station, you came and went. It is a memory of loss – waiting and performance. You try not to look or feel, in case you see yourself. 

Notes from vague wanderings

By Jay, 7 December 2023

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” Rabbi Hillel.

Recently, I traveled into London from the suburbs to attend a volunteer role interview. I still feel very lost and hopeless but it gradually felt better to be out and I thought I’d capture some of my feelings from the day.

A lurching feeling, like a ghostly throat punch when you remember you have an interview and it won’t be another day at home plugged in online watching and listening to desultory news and sports clips. Strange that the brain scopes the day’s schedule still, automatically, despite uncounted days not having anything scheduled.

Difficulty with technical problem-solving – a social barrier

By Jay

Technology such as phones and computers are more-or-less vital to functioning comfortably for most of us and the complexity and multitude of options and updates are difficult to keep up with, especially, for some who have mental health or emotional difficulties.

My laptop has slowed down through the memory being filled up and I have also damaged it a few times, dropping it and spilling tea. In the past year, there have been issues with video calls and the screen freezing or crashing. Over the summer, I had a number of job interviews, some via video call, and despite this, I didn’t invest in a new computer or try to fix my existing one. At least a couple of times, my interviews were disrupted in some way, such as me not being able to see the interviewers or the video call or a file not opening on time. Also the laptop overheats and the fan is always whirring loudly. Unsurprisingly, I was unsuccessful in all these interviews, though, the laptop was not the only reason, because I was also unsuccessful in face-to-face interviews over this period.

Lack of hope for the future and constant worrying have been the causes of me not resolving my laptop issues – and, not addressing most things generally, including health issues and preparing for interviews properly. I also have difficulties with my phone memory being full up and not being able to transfer files elsewhere.

I increasingly feel relatively illiterate digitally, though I spend most of my days online and using a laptop and have worked in temporary roles remotely. I have a fear of searching the market for a new laptop and being confronted by the choice and unfamiliar terms. It is the same when it comes to changing my phone. Financial insecurity also makes this hard. I have often relied on family members to do the thinking and decision-making for me.

Cross-purposes of interviewing for jobs with fear and doubt

By Jay

I had an online video interview today. It was for a library and admin type role, with a requirement to be on site a few days a week, located in a town some distance from where I live. I applied for it vaguely thinking that now is the time to move away. However, when I got the interview invitation, the reality of moving away from living with family was difficult to face. I suspect that I won’t have to consider it, in this case – though I have applied for others, as I’m quite sure that I didn’t get selected. I was told I would find out today or next Monday – and as I didn’t receive an email yet, I suppose, the rejections are sent out next week.

I didn’t prepare much at all for the interview. I only really looked up the organisation to avoid embarrassment should I be asked to demonstrate awareness of what they are and do. I also started a few notes on some of my relevant experiences. I was feeling such despair since my attempts to start a job earlier this week, which I quit after a day in a pique of overwhelmed emotions and now regret.

I finally selected an interview date for this one, which would be conducted via Microsoft Teams. It’s an online video call software with other messaging and communication features. I saw that the organisation was conducting, virtually, two solid days of interviews, which made me quite sure that I’d fail. I’ve failed or been unsuccessful, depending on how to think of it, with two interviews in the past weeks.