Let’s talk about meds and maternal mental health. I write this on the precipice of being free from one of the meds that held me together during the worst time of my life.
I don’t know whether to start at the beginning with my medication journey or go backwards from what I’m on now… for the sake of my sanity let’s be chronological and go way way back to the dark days of my youth. Looking back, though they weren’t that dark compared to what awaited me in new motherhood.
I took my first antidepressant as a university student. I remember going to the doctor and actually asking for them. I’d heard in particular that Seroxat was meant to be good for social anxiety. So, after a l-o-n-g discussion with my doctor I came away with that golden prescription for a mind altering pill. Did I need them? Oh that’s the million dollar question isn’t it? Who knows? Maybe I would have been okay without them. Maybe they made all the difference. Who knows because we don’t have a time machine to go back and do things differently.
Matias (a pseudonym), a man in his 30s, shared his experiences of moving to the UK from a northern European country – with his then girlfriend – as a teenager, the sense of freedom and the challenges of overcoming trauma, dyslexia, anxiety and language difficulties in his efforts to pursue a career in IT and user experience.
Anxiety results out of psychological trauma. I used to go to psychologist and it was my daily practise with psychologist to record my sessions and I was always using mobile phone because it was quite useful to record them because then when you have one session with psychologist – lot of information get discussed and usually it’s quite hard to keep everything in your mind. Those records help me to remember all of them, so I can listen to records – come back to some stuff, make notes and sometimes I come back to one record, like, five times because all the times something new I can find. It’s quite interesting because brain basically not able to pick up everything at the same time – so, yeah, so recording will be nice.
Couple of years ago, is that thing (anxiety) became so serious and so strong that I wasn’t able to do anything – it was painful, basically. It was like strong pain, like, in this place where I’m sitting right now, I wasn’t able to sit – it’s my place where, you know, I’m working everyday. I’m working, like, remotely, but at that time I was working from office and it was lots of social – I will not call them ‘fight’ – but, you know, when people dislike some stuff, this is started to grow stronger and stronger and that’s what started to hit me a lot. And, it probably took me about a year to get into that panic attacks.
So, after panic attacks, I getting to my GP and they give me medication – it was Mirtazapine, and they said, you have to go to psychologist. Basically, I went to psychologist sessions and, didn’t give me any results, to be honest. But the thing is, I was always depressed, since my childhood. This was one of the problems that I wasn’t able to figure out why.
So, an anxiety – basically, I was in psychology a lot. I was try to fix it myself. Probably, I spent fifteen years, psychology, to figure out what’s wrong and what exactly making my depression. So depression kind of was a trigger to – and, anxiety too, was as well,….well, depression was a trigger to figure out what – to, to push me to start to investigate what the problem do I have – because I was afraid to go to psychologist. And, at that time, it cost money, you know, and it cost quite a lot and, I’m myself from [Northern European country]. The situation there quite difficult to UK – not the same as here. That time, I wasn’t able to get psychologist.
And, it was quite hard to find friends, actually. All the time I was try to find friends it was misunderstanding – all the time. So, I get the situation where nobody understand me, basically. I tried to express myself, tried to say something to people – I was all the time wrong.
So, then, I started to learn lots of psychology because I find out the problem inside me, basically. There some stuff – it’s not working well. And, interesting thing that that knowledge I was learn – I thought it will help me. So, and, it help me to solve some problems. My depression became a little bit lower because I figure out some stuff. But, then, there are some aspects that you are not able to go through on our own because our psyche.
So, basically, that knowledge didn’t help me that much because I wasn’t able to go through and figure out the trauma. So, after that, I tried lots of different methods. I tried to go into different psychology ways, hypnoses – everything. And then, I found one guy online I decided to try it. He start to help me with this but then, I was too positive about my treatment and all the time I thought, ‘yes, it’s all done’ and we disconnected with this guy. And he said, ‘it’s done? Then it’s done.’
And, then, I underestimate my abilities, basically, and, all of my knowledge I thought I know, actually didn’t bring me that much results. I start to go deeper and deeper into this anxiety, basically. I became very anxious – more and more. It was like – I don’t know how to describe this – it was like a swamp. You go at work and people doesn’t like you.
Basically, then later I figure out that this is my perception – I perceive that people doesn’t like. But then, you know, I lost – when panic attacks started, it’s interesting, because before, I used to like lots of things and panic attacks start to happen, I start to go into very deep thing that I devaluate my life. Suicidal thoughts start to happen. I was thinking, ‘well, there is no point to live, basically.’
But then, the knowledge I have from psychology help me to float and to go over this all difficult times – because I know, this is emotions, and emotions can be rapid and quick and sometimes hard but if you wait, they will go. It will be never for ever.
So, I start my way, I found another person – well, I start to go to hypnotherapy. Because I found out source – the source is in childhood. I knew source down there and I need to find out what exactly. In cognitive psychology they don’t usually do this because in psychology they try to avoid childhood experience. They touch on it a little bit but then they don’t go deeper because when you go deeper, you’ll be sucked in to that experience – into trauma, basically, and you not able to do anything.
I found a guy who do cognitive psychology but opposite. He bring me into trauma. And we start to work with trauma basically and step by step I start to go out of that. It was hard basically, to go through all of them and I don’t think I fixed all of them but I still work at this at the minute. Today, I will say, I don’t have that much anxiety when I tak to people. For example, I have slight anxiety when I see you but I will not say it’s quite hard – I’m not stressed, basically. I can see you there and I can kind of feel you but it’s not damaging my self-esteem, I will say. I feel alright.
So, this is because, we have two parts – we have emotional part and we have rational part. And, they together – if you rationalise your emotions – emotions go. If you not rationalise your emotion – if there is no rational part, emotion will go up. And, this is the play that I do. If I found emotion, I have to understand it. If I understand it properly and step by step, there is lots of them, lots of triggers, I go layer by layer and put them into my mind. And then when I rationalise them, my anxiety go. So, I don’t have to maintain later my anxiety because it almost not exist.
I was born in a rough area. There is people in the street who can stab you or hurt you a lot. It’s quite scary. You see group of people. I used to have very anxious about this all the time – changing the roads, try to go around – all of this. Because I wasn’t able to protect myself. But now, when I see those people, I don’t have anxiety at all, when I see them. There is thoughts that they might hurt me, a bit, then I said – I let them do it – if they do it. Because I cannot control it – let it go, so I basically, let it go. If it will happen, it will happen.
It was quite hard to get to this point because – the reason why I get anxious in these situations is, I was try to stop myself – try to protect myself and say, no way will they gonna hurt me. I was so afraid that they gonna hurt me. And this make me very anxious because this is a kind of block I make myself. So, I start to go this way that, people do whatever they have in their mind. I’m not able to control. What I able to control is, if I see they try to go at me with a knife, I will try to protect myself but if they will do it from behind me, there is no chance that I can do it, so I let this happen. At the beginning, it’s quite scary but step by step, I release – because mind keep this, this shouldn’t happen and it keep on. And I say, no, no, let it go and I step by step, let it go.
Usually, when you see those people, like, there is some triggers but what trigger do is trigger you into some picture in your mind and this picture show you something nasty that you would like to avoid and this triggers next thing. Like you say, no way that it gonna happen. You try to go away and this makes anxious, more and more and more. Because this picture not just project of your mind, this picture is based on trauma you used to have. So, brain thinks it will happen, this moment, but you just suggesting that this will happen, because some elements to what it used to be triggers you back to this situation. But, if you let this fear go, your brain will get new experience and step by step, you start to go more and more experience where you not getting attack. Your brain start to recognise this and then that’s how anxiety go at this moment.
That’s probably what I used to do. Because, I used to go on street. I was preparing myself – my brain will tell me there is a danger. I go and say, ‘I will let this danger happen.’ And, it’s probably took me five attempts to do it and it rewires after that, all of the situation.
It (the reading) helps me at some extent. It helps me to build knowledge about myself, basically. The knowledge about psychology helped me to find the right person. Lots of psychological techniques don’t work, I will say. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for everyone – it doesn’t work for me. The most important in this is experience. If you don’t have experience, you not able to rewire yourself. As general knowledge, what happened to you, is quite useful – it’s quite good to read psychological things, theory and understand this. That will make you – sometimes it will help you to build foundations that you can stand on.
Most of it is social anxiety. I used to have fear of animals – this is gone as well. I used to afraid dogs a lot because it was based on my childhood trauma. Now, somehow, it’s gone. I don’t afraid dogs any more. This is what I find out recently. I just go next to dogs, I don’t feel anxious, next to them.
Most of my anxiety was around people, that they can attack me, basically. The source of this is tI will be abandoned. This was the most painful thing for me. It’s still at some, I don’t know, maybe there is 40% of that, that people will – if people will be unhappy, I will feel rejected or abandoned. This is will bring me back to my trauma. But, now I can get out of this quite quickly. It’s took me a couple of hours, or maybe a day sometimes, depends how strong conflict it was.
I will not say it affect my work that much – especially now, last year, Covid situation started, we start to work online, from home. Stop communicating with people. It became easier – but, I will say, it’s not directly affecting career – it’s affect this way, I’m not able to take a lead in a team – this is, basically, how it’s affecting it. Because you afraid of people judgment and how people will react. Leading positions are always about responsibility and other people to make discussions, decisions and, you know, fights, sometimes with them, to prove something. This is all affected because I am not able to do that much but now it’s little bit better. I’m probably, step by step, going to that direction, where I can be more leading projects and all of this stuff.
Lot’s of different types of jobs I used to do. My dream job was about computer graphics and 3D animation. That didn’t go that well. I built websites with my mate and in my city, we built online radio. He was the main guy who was representing our radio for the audience – I was afraid to represent because I have this massive fear to represent this. But I was like to have this attention from people, that they – not negative attention – positive attention, that I’ve done something that people using.
I build myself interface, design it and build interface. Me and my friend connect to Winamp, when I was around 16/17 years old; it was MP3 music player but you able to stream music and make proper radio using this Winamp plug-in and this what we made that time online. After that, I start to get some connections from Russian music television and I was working for Russian music television building banners and this is where everything started. Before, I was interested in computers. I was build computers myself and then it was get into computer graphics, like Photoshop and all that – animation.
Then, I came to UK. My job was at factory BMW factory, building jobs – all of the random stuff. Engineering job that I’ve done for almost two years in London. I was installing exhausts and I was kind of on lead position but it was hard as well because – well, it was quite friendly environment because it was all my friends. I start to build company with my mate – he built company and I help him.
But, then, I work for seven years in IT – yeah, it was BMW, then building works, then IT. At the BMW, I start to get panic attacks. I almost lost my life but at that time, I didn’t know what was happening. It was sixteen years ago. I start to get antidepressants, changed job and, you know, all panic attacks gone. At that time, I didn’t get it exactly why. I think, I was alone, without people and that’s what makes me anxious. I was without family, I was here, without friends and just working, home, working, home. It was quite depressing.
I changed job – start to do things more that I more enjoy – computer graphics, again, I start to work for small company, marketing company. Then, I met the guy who start to build his company. I move to him. We start to build his company, then, we get fight, split and start to go and I tried to come back to IT again and I come back to Oxford. In Oxford, I get to massive IT company, I start to learn user experience – I was surprise how close it is to psychology.
Basically, psychology is my passion because all the time something new – I like it – I like to go deep into things. I like to go digging down and see how everything work; I like to see how other people react with stuff and, for example, user experience – UX design – it’s very close to this because you investigating how people using your product, basically. What they do? Where is the problems? All of this stuff, I start to learn in this new place in Oxford.
Then, they start to blame me, that I’m like ‘idiot’ and I all the time get depressed after a year, working with people at work because I start to think everyone hate me, basically. And, I start to be less productive. And, this is what destroyed my job, basically, at the end.
I was changing jobs all the time and then, I remember that, at that place, where I study user experience, I was kind of in bad situation in my relationship with my manager, team leader. They said you’re crap, you done so many mistakes – well, of course, I can do lots of mistakes in code, because, I got dyslexia, I’m not able to see some stuff. With code, it’s quite easier because you’re using programmes that helps you to fix this code quite quickly but I still do lots of spelling mistakes and people come back to me, ‘look, lots of spelling mistakes.’ My boss said, look you’ve done lots of spelling mistakes, our client was unhappy. But, the funny part, I fixed all of them, because it was testers who test everything and it wasn’t that bad but they use it to drop my salary.
I was so angry with them. Because, you know, I was working for them very hard, I’ve done lots of projects for them and they all the time blame me and I figure out that they just using me. They figure out that if they blame me, I’ll work harder for them. And this how, basically, it is affecting the relationship of work. They blame me and I will do everything they will do to stop blame me. Quite common thing what people do at work, basically, they can put blame and they drop price that they pay you and you will work twice harder you used to work and you, you know, no energy, nothing,
Then, I left that job. I get new one. And, that new one, I start to work with another guy on psychological thing and I get into trauma, basically. I wasn’t able to get out of that and anxiety start to get more and more and more and I start to get into panic attacks and that’s basically how it was.
I got this moment the fear of that I will be on the street is stronger. This all the time pushing me to job and for that time, I forgot about any fear. I start to hope that new place will be better than previous one. This is what pushing me into new position and, usually, when I met people, they all friendly at the first day and, then, I will not say that I’m – I used to think that I am crap – doing stuff, my job doesn’t cost anything but, previous job, I learnt that I’m not that crap, actually. You know, tiny bit. This has helped me to get into new job, where I am at the minute and it’s much better job than I used to have. I was able to use all my knowledge. I found out that people need my knowledge in this place. That’s how I get there.
But, I don’t think my job now is bad. I feel that my trauma is kicking in in some places and people – some people – triggering this. And now, it’s not happening this way as used to happen, so I able to protect myself. If somebody attacking me, I can protect myself, basically. This is one of the main things and achievement that I wasn’t able to do before. I got feeling that if I will lost this job now, probably, I will able to find new one or, I will start to try to build my business. It’s quite hard to find job that will give me work that I usually like and probably, it’s not easier, but it’s better to provide product that I’m able to produce. It will just be time to find clients who need it. And, if I will find the right clients who need it, then, it will be great. I will all the time employed.
It used to be my dream to have a business. But, then, I ruin it, because, I find out, this is, more about the money, only. I’m looking now for something more enjoyable. That, maybe, it will not bring me much money but it will be able to use my skills I have and people will pay me for that skills. I don’t know how much but, maybe, it will be alright, enough to survive on this money, maybe, it will not be enough, I don’t know. Yeah, we can call it business, but this is probably my dream – I can use everything I know and knowledge and share with other people who need it.
In my back place (in [Northern European country]), I wasn’t happy with my life, at all. The pressure was from everywhere. I didn’t know where to hide. I was thinking to go and study at university – IT university. I wasn’t able to study at IT university because I have to make money – to pay money – a lot of money, for this university. I cost a lot.
I learn English for a year and it was a couple of friends who I said, ‘would you like to go to UK?’ Because, it was European Union, they just open borders. And, it was opportunity to make a little bit of cash. I thought it would be enough cash to come back to my country to pay for one year of university. And I thought, ‘ok, I will go.’ I said to all my friends, ‘let’s go to UK, let’s go together’ because I afraid to go to UK. I like the idea to go work for summer and come back.
Then, I bought ticket – I wasn’t alone, I was with my girlfriend, at that time. And, I said ‘let’s go – this is idea – let’s do it, let’s try and study English-’ I wasn’t planning to stay, to be honest, in UK. It was just a plan for three months, came here, learn English and make money.
When I came here – well, all my friends say our parents didn’t let us go – I was nineteen at that time. My girlfriend was seventeen – or eighteen – I can’t remember – we was eighteen. I bought ticket one-way. Because, I know I will get scared. It was challenging for me to go, that far, because, in [Northern European country], I was scared to even to city centre from my neighbourhood. I always need to go with someone.
I bought ticket for myself and for my girlfriend. I said, ‘let’s go one way.’ Oh, for her, it was two ways because she have to come back and finish her school. It was challenging. All my friends say no. And we – just me and her – stay together. I was so shy, I wasn’t able to speak to anyone. But, you see, my idea was driving me forward. I wasn’t able to say stop to myself. I was so curious about stuff.
We came to the UK and I didn’t recognise anyone – whatever people were able to tell me, I wasn’t able to understand. My girlfriend was little able to understand. We came to Oxford, basically, because, one of my friend, he work here for six months, and he said, ‘go to Oxford – it’s nice city,’ and I learn about the UK that in some places, it’s better not to show up because, it can be quite dangerous. Someone can kill you, basically. Someone can attack you because, well, because you foreign. I heard lots of stories from other people who already visit this place.
And, then, I think, Oxford – lots of students, maybe it will be nice and I can stay for three, four months and we’ll find a job. And, I kind of plan a year what I will do. I save some money – it was £700 – I save for a year. And, it was, for me and for my girlfriend, we came to Oxford, I thought I will find a job in two weeks time. I wasn’t able to find a job in two weeks time. I go to agencies and agencies say, ‘go back, learn English, come back again.’
I was surviving on this money but I met a guy who help me. My friend, from [Northern European country], called to this guy and said, ‘can you help my friend?’ And this guy said, ‘sure.’ And,.we, somehow, managed to communicate between each other. I can’t remember how. He help me – he show me – I met his friends and his friends give me some room where I was able to stay.
For three months, it was hard but it wasn’t that bad, actually. I don’t know why – I was felt freedom, to be honest. It was lots of release from the family that I used to be with. And, then, later on, I find out where is the problem from of all this. It was actually from relationship with me and my parents. That is where anxiety start to grow. It’s based on trauma, you usually get before puberty age. That’s what making anxiety, depression or anything else and that we have in our future life. Because, it’s just the results of that. But at that time, I didn’t know this. None of the psychology was explaining this. Just after many, many years, I find out.
So, it was hard and fun as well, at the same time. I was young, as well, and, stupid, maybe, at the same time. I didn’t feel – I didn’t think that many – I didn’t have that many thoughts about that I will fail or something. I was believe that I will try to do something and that was why I bought ticket one way. And, I start to learn English, basically, step by step. At some point, I start to speak a little bit.
They (my family) don’t know about all of this stuff. This all stuff – it not exist for them. Because when I was, probably sixteen, or fifteen, I get into panic attacks and I ask my father to be next to me as I was afraid to be alone. I lost sleep for seven days – I didn’t know what’s happening to me. Out of nowhere, this serious fear hit me. And my father was next to me and he didn’t know what to do – nobody knows what to do. He stay and he just said, ‘I not able to help,’ and he just left. He thought I have to figure out myself but, not me, not him, didn’t know what is this. I was thinking I’m dying, basically, I don’t know what’s happening, something broken inside me.
To be honest, they never accept me and doesn’t matter what ever I will say, they will put me into – they will ignore that and they will start to push something, whatever they have in their mind and, it will be quite random. So, it’s one of the reasons why that easy it was to left my family, basically, because I never get any support from them, basically. I never felt secure in my family, so it’s quite normal for me to feel unsecure.
My father, he got similar fears, of abandoned, to be alone, basically, but he never show those fears but I – when I analyse him, I know he has those fears. None of them show those fears. There is different situation with my mother, she get anxious but this is not the same way as I do, it’s completely different anxiety – it’s different one. She get anxious about everything but she will always put this anxiety on me or anyone or any members of the family. If, for example, it used to be like that in childhood, that, my father late for, I don’t know, ten minutes, from work, she already anxious – it’s something happened. It’s like, what can be happened – ten minutes?
Step by step – this is experience I get, of anxiety from her but it’s not those moments she gets anxious , it’s more moments she was pushing me other stuff. It was much harder, it’s – she break, basically, couple of things – I don’t know how to explain that – it was moments I get broken, basically, by relationship between her and me. This is where anxiety start to grow, step by step.
I will say, I have a brother, younger brother – he always get fight. It’s not get any support, it was more fighting between each other. I will not say I was try to be bad to him but he was try to provoke, you know, to get out of this situation something, whatever he needs. I was all the time bad person, in front of him and in front of my parents
I broke up with my ex-girlfriend and it was not easy time. I just remember, it was sixteen years ago, we break up with my girlfriend – I decide to stay here in UK – I was alone at this time and it was lots of fears, what I’m going to do next. It was, work at the BMW, night shifts, all the time, twelve hours, six days a week. I get so tired and that’s how I get into anxiety. I start to become alone and all of this stuff, go deeper and deeper. But then, I met, different girlfriend and we stay together for many years now.
Between December 2019 and April 2021, a Ukrainian woman in her 30s, currently living in the Kyiv area, shared with me some of her experiences of challenging her anxiety symptoms, searching for work and her efforts at painting. She told me she prefers to listen to stories than tell them but gave me permission to share some of her experiences anonymously, saying: “You can embellish the story with different romantic stories, whatever you want, but only my photo is scary to upload) it is better not).” At the start of the conversation, from which I have deleted my responses and most of her questions for me, to focus on her experience, she is living with her parents, near Kyiv, helping at her father’s small local electrical goods store and selling religious books by mail.
Dec 18, 2019
Today is a sunny day. I argued with my father that I would find work after the new year, and he would stop drinking)). Maybe at least it will drive me out of the house.
…we bet that if I go to work my father will not drink). This is not a quarrel, but a game. Once I argued with my brother that if I go to work in Poland, he will quit smoking. I went to Poland, but he did not quit smoking 🙂
Dec 20, 2019
I have not had time to buy gifts, instead, I got drunk yesterday, could not stand it)). Because of this, the state of health is not very good. But she swore to herself that this is the last time)
no, I can drink alone). I feel good only the first half hour, and then it becomes very bad.
I also drank 2 beers). I have not bought gifts yet, I have a big family, I need a lot of gifts.
Dec 22, 2019
Yes, I’m better, I swore to myself not to drink anymore, although often I really feel like it. I choose which country I should go to work. But it will be in six months, it will take a lot of time to draw up documents) Maybe Sweden)
I will go through a paid agency. But this is not soon, a lot needs to be done for this)…this is work somewhere in the factories. It’s very difficult there, but i can earn more than in Ukraine. Since I haven’t been working for a year, I need to pay for it).
No, I’m very cowardly, but in extreme conditions it’s easier for me. When everyone is busy, all Ukrainians who go to work are in the same conditions). Although in Poland it was difficult for me, and I even had to change the city and work, right in Poland. But the second time I will behave differently, calmer.
Dec 25, 2019
Thanks! Merry Christmas to you too !!
Today I sent parcels to my customers)….We celebrate Christmas on January 7th, so it’s too early to give gifts. We have Orthodox Christmas)…. And I will celebrate 2 times)
Dec 27, 2019
Today I talked with my sister and my nephews. I prepared a lot of good for them) and we ate it).
Dec 28, 2019
They’ve brought different treats.) I’m looking for a job right now. Ever since I promised my dad I’d go to work if he quit drinking;)
Dec 29, 2019
Hi). I have not found yet)
Dec 30, 2019
Yes, fear fetters us in action, but we must go and not think about it, so that later we do not regret that we lost time)
Dec 31, 2019
I wanted to go to my nephews. but a little sick, I don’t know now, go to them or stay at home).
Jan 01, 2020
I went to a city near Kiev, to visit my father. But it’s so cold here, and I was returning back along the ice field for several kilometers. Barely reached home)). I will be treated.
Jan 05, 2020
…my nephew is a big fan of computer games. It is almost impossible to tear off the phone :). We also did crafts for their mom. We burned a drawing on a tree with a soldering iron, it turned out beautifully.
Jan 06, 2020
We have almost no snow, but it’s cold. Today I drew a little, but in the end I threw away my drawing, in the anger that he had failed). Tomorrow is Christmas.
Jan 07, 2020
Hi) I’m doing some cooking today, and I’m cleaning houses. We’re not celebrating Christmas). Well, we’re not celebrating this holiday, and everyone else is)). My parents are tired of everything.
I also decided to ignore the criticism. I will speak and do what I want, and even let everyone laugh)) At a new job, I will behave differently).
Yeah, I’ll try to say what I think out loud. Then the first impression of me won’t be that I’m a closed person.) No, I keep quiet like a fish at work. But I won’t be silent anymore.)
Jan 08, 2020
today the mood is so-so. I did not go to the city. I will go tomorrow. I watch a program about who misanthropes are)).
I’m becoming a misanthrope… Maybe I’ll leave this site for a while, take a break so I don’t get distracted. I’ll go back to reality.
Jan 16, 2020
Hi). Okay. I have periods of depression. But it’s better now.
Sometimes I talk about it to people I know, but everyone has a million problems of their own). So far, I’m handling it on my own).
Jan 18, 2020
I finally took the first step. and signed up for an interview, I know that I will not be accepted because of insufficient experience, but I will go to different interviews until I find a job.
This is a job vacancy in Kiev – assistant lawyer. 11 years ago, I last worked in this direction. But I decided to attend 20-30 interviews until they took me. I’m terribly afraid, and I’m sure they will point me to the door :). But I decided to attend a 20-30 interview until someone takes me. Nothing more to lose. You’ve been working at work all this time, but I just decided it now.
Jan 19, 2020
I worked, but not for long, several years. I will say that I wanted to try something new). I worked for myself for seven years, and lost the habit of working in teams, and I also feel terrible in offices. But old age is not far off, I need some kind of profession, experience. So we are colleagues? :). Our assistant lawyer has a small salary, less than the seller.
Jan 20, 2020
I went for an interview. And they told me to come tomorrow, for a 3-day trial period. At first I agreed. But then I called them back and refused. I was just scared !!! 😦 I thought that after 3 days anyway, they will tell me that I am not suitable for them.
We often have a trial period of 1-3 months. I am not satisfied with myself because I missed a chance. But I will search further, there is no other way.
Jan 21, 2020
I also spoke very poorly at the interview, I could not squeeze out the words :). But many employers realize that people are worried).
Jan 22, 2020
A stream of thoughts rummages in my unhappy head, where should I go.) Yesterday my thoughts brought me to Portugal, Lisbon :). I found a job in a factory, a sweet packer. The vacancy is paid, through the agency, but I’m afraid that they will turn out to be scammers. And besides, I don’t know either English or Portuguese. I would like to try, but I’m not sure if this is the right way). Although you can always go back.
Jan 24, 2020
Today I was thinking about working in Sweden). There is a lot more salary, if I could go there I would be very happy 🙂
Jan 26, 2020
But i so far from reading English, because until today i used the Google translater. But in soon i am going to have to try translate a short texts myself. For example took me half an hour to writing this text:). Even longer).
Jan 29, 2020
Our street is also very damp and foggy. But there were no such warm winters, the temperature is now mostly 0 degrees. Previously, in winter it was up to – 27 degrees.
Jan 31, 2020
Hi) Nothing new so far. I’ll see if I can go to Sweden on Monday. If not, I will work in Kiev at any job)
An acquaintance of mine found a middleman agency, if they’re not crooks, and if there are any openings, I’d like to go. But 90% of agencies are con artists, so let’s see.)
Feb 05, 2020
I have still nothing new. My trip in the Sweden will not take place. That firm, that “helps to find a job” is rogue. Because they want get prepayment, and this mean that they will disappear after getting the money). So my sublime plans was falled apart:).
Feb 06, 2020
I fall asleep at 2 a.m., and in the morning I can hardly get up. Internet is to blame for everything)
Feb 07, 2020
I think I’m too old to study). But sometimes I would like to be a student and to start life from the beginning. I would choose the faculty of foreign languages.
Feb 15, 2020
Yesterday I went to my friend, walked. I wanted to go to the theater, but there were no tickets anymore. And the day before yesterday I went with my nephew to the movie for the movie Sonic.
I wanted to go to the Nutcracker ballet. Yes, my nephew really liked the film, but for me it is too childish.
I’m used to being alone, it’s not so bad. You can do anything you want. And the other person will not help, on the contrary, it can become even worse with someone who does not understand you to the end. The main thing is to have a few friends or acquaintances, this is enough. I listen a lot on YouTube about loneliness, and I stopped being afraid of it.
Feb 20, 2020
I began to listen to Vonnegut Kurt’s audio book Cradle for the Cat. From the classics I really like Victor Hugo. Dostoevsky is too sad for me). My nephew also loves Harry Potter).
Feb 23, 2020
For the same reason, I almost do not communicate with relatives). Because they all consider me a failure).
Feb 25, 2020
…unfortunately, it’s hard for me to write anything about myself, probably because I dislike myself. This is very difficult for me, so I am not fit for the role of the person giving the interview. I like to listen more. It’s probably more pleasant to talk about your victories than about defeats. If someday everything changes in my life, then I will tell you how I came to this 🙂
I almost do not look for work. I can’t find a suitable job, not far from where I live. Sometimes I go to the post office send books. There is nothing new so far).
Feb 26, 2020
…But at least sometimes you need to look for joy in something so as not to go crazy
Feb 27, 2020
I don’t like dating, I even hate it) My hyper-shyness doesn’t allow me go to date :).
I think I found the answers to the questions that tortured me. Which job to choose? How live alone? Why is life not fair? Why do people get sick? Why all this?
Today I read a certain article about the meaning of life. It said that it is necessary to organize and fill your life so that you do not have time and energy to think about it!! And anyone who starts thinking seriously about the meaning of life ALWAYS will inevitably come to the conclusion that the world is terrible and that it is better to die. And so I decided not to think about it at all anymore. Because I already know the answer). I have to do something, even meaningless work, and not break my head, and not doubt whether I’m doing the right thing.
And I thought it was good to have doubts. But in my case, doubt was a disease, a diagnosis. In this article it was said (the article is based on the opinion of famous writers, philosophers) that in any case, serious doubts and reflections of any person will lead to the thought of senselessness and cruelty of this world!!! Then why think about it at all. These thoughts prevent me from doing anything and slow me down. If there is one end waiting for everyone, it is better to do something in your life without even knowing and understanding why and for what.
I didn’t know what kind of job to do, but I’ll go where they take me, let it be a terrible job, but I won’t think about it. My free time must also be loaded with new work so that my doubts don’t creep up in my head. In short, I have decided not to think about anything, let fate take me wherever it wants. Because my own thoughts have led me to a dead end. In general, those who have too much free time think about the meaning of life and the meaning of suffering.
Mar 02, 2020
Hi) It is also cloudy here and it rains all day. Today was the birthday of my niece, and I went to visit them and gave her a notebook with bright sparkles, and other little things.
Mar 03, 2020
Yes, she is very creative, plays the piano, draws, and also did gymnastics). Now I need to take care of my health, I always put it off because I’m afraid of doctors. But now I need to go to the doctor. If the doctor does not find anything bad with me, I will be in a good mood and I will not think about anything bad.
Mar 06, 2020
Today I resumed my tour of the doctors.
I went through one doctor, there are a few more left). Yes, a private doctor is expensive. But there are state hospitals, not a lot of money, but there are long lines, and not always good doctors.
Mar 11, 2020
Hi) Because I sold books on religion, sometimes I had to hear about different religions. The Orthodox religion condemns other religions, and I don’t like it.
Mar 12, 2020
Yesterday i worked in my father store all day. And what do you do today? I hope in your town is no panic of the new virus? In Kiev all people talks about it, because the quality of care in our country is very low, thats why people are a bit scared. But i try don’t think about it)
Mar 13, 2020
Yes my cat and two dogs sat with me and slept near the hot furnace. Today i also siting at the store, but i don’t very like this, because i need to communicate with people:). And i know goods no well, and always to ring to father to ask where lies goods. It’s absurdly:). At this moments i would like to be in desert Island).
Mar 14, 2020
Yes, many products have no price tags. It’s already hard for my father to work because of his health. But I think I’ll get used to it). Today I visit a doctor again, and tomorrow I will again work in a store.
Mar 17, 2020
I am not a big poetry lover, the only poet I like is Lermontov. His poem “Mtsyri” is my favorite). We are already starting to panic, my father and I also bought a lot of products today, because everything will be closed. I hope you do not have a panic. You also take care of yourself!
Tomorrow in Ukraine will close the metro. My father closed his store).
Mar 18, 2020
Yes, I also blame myself for that. All vacancies that exist do not suit me.
Mar 19, 2020
I understand. Despite the pain and fear, if we find a new job we will be proud of ourselves). Therefore, one must look…It’s so beautiful on the street, birds are already singing, but you have to sit locked up)
Yoga is very useful, and it must be soothing). It calms me to listen to various smart people on Youtube, including Indian gurus).
I have never done yoga, I am too impatient for this and lazy). And besides, I have no flexibility)
Mar 20, 2020
I’m not worried yet. I don’t think anyone will escape their fate. A friend from a school who lives in France have called me yesterday. She did not call me for 7 years, and yesterday have called)). This virus really unites people))).
Mar 21, 2020
She works for a real estate company. But now her firm is closed, and they all sit at home. During these seven years, she changed several jobs, was fired, changed the city. There were a lot of difficulties. She did not start a family during this time and suffers because of this. We were friends from grade 3)
Mar 23, 2020
I had friends at school, I was friends with those whom society did not accept. But everything changed in college, it was difficult for me to communicate there, and because of this I missed classes, in the end I was expelled from college :
Mar 30, 2020
I really don’t like to plan, and I do everything spontaneously, depending on my mood. So why don’t you worry, you live the way you know. If you don’t feel like writing, don’t write, I haven’t painted for a whole year. Yesterday, dad asked me to draw a picture for him, and I painted.
Mar 31, 2020
A very smart Ukrainian politician, told, that soon the economic situation in Ukraine will be so, that people will live as in the middle ages, every day without knowing when they die. But it will good for blossoming the creativity, because the best inventions of humankind was in a difficult time. While i was thinking what’s kind of job i want, now don’t have any choice at all:). A total Unemployment).
Apr 01, 2020
Hi)I can walk near the house in our garden. Today I was on the street, but a little frozen.
Apr 05, 2020
I became interested in gardening and planted for the first time in my life greens, dill carrots, peas. I hope that at least something will grow 🙂
…I did not use fertilizers as they are not sold nearby
Apr 09, 2020
Our black cat is already an adult. I would love to give you a couple of my cats :). Every morning, when I open the door to the street, five pairs of hungry eyes look at me)).
…All these animals are ours). Unfortunately, my landings did not grow, 10 days have already passed, a little upset 😦 I really want to leave for the city, but quarantine until April 24. Most likely the quarantine will be extended until May 15.
Apr 15, 2020
Hi 🙂 Today I started listening to online lectures on critical thinking, I really liked this topic. At the end of each lecture, assignments with questions are given. From boredom, I don’t know what to do anymore)
Apr 27, 2020
I have nothing new so far, I’m sitting at home. We also have quarantine until May 11th.
Apr 29, 2020
Hi, yes, the store is closed. we are forbidden to trade, for this the state can fine us $ 650. Our neighbor is already fined for trade. But the father sells goods to friends a couple of times a day.
May 02, 2020
When quarantine is over, the father will open the store again. People understand that. Only today, several bazaars were opened in Kiev. The minibus in my village still does not go, so I still can not get to Kiev
May 25, 2020
In Kiev, transport began to walk yesterday and the subway opened. But I am still trapped and cannot go to Kiev, because the minibus still does not go there. I open my father’s store twice a day for only half an hour…people themselves are looking for what they need :). On the door, I wrote the entrance only in masks, but many ignore this inscription.
June 01, 2020
Yesterday I tried to draw the sea, copied from the paintings of other artists. I show you two pictures, but they are not yet complete. Now I’m sitting in my father’s store and waiting for buyers).
Jun 19, 2020
I go out to the store twice a day for one hour. I have to communicate with people, I’m probably the quietest seller in the world, so I’m not very good. Almost all people come in without a mask, I no longer comment on them, it is useless).
Jun 22, 2020
Yes, we have growing potatoes, tomatoes. Today I will plant cucumbers. Unfortunately I have apathy today, I don’t know why).
Yesterday and the day before yesterday I drank wine right in the store, half an hour I felt good, and then worse). If alcohol did not cause consequences, I think I would drink every day, but I know that it is dangerous. I hope you do not drink alcohol)?
Jun 24, 2020
I translate the text separately in google translator. I refused to learn English because I no longer believe that I can learn it. Yes, I sometimes drink again, because it gives me a temporary feeling of lightness, then I become relaxed and even cheerful, but not for long.
I haven’t painted anything for a long time, there’s no mood). But mother draws, she never studied anywhere, she began to draw for half a year, and already painted a lot of paintings). yes, it is painted with oil paints) Mom tried to sell online, but in Ukraine they buy paintings badly.
Jun 27, 2020
I no longer have the mood to learn English. Now I’m sitting in a store, but there are no people. What is your mood? I’m ashamed to admit it, but I drank wine again.
Jul 2, 2020
Today. worked again in the store, there were many buyers. I stayed all day, but in the evening I bought wine again, I become an alcoholic !!!). There are a lot of people drinking in our village.
almost a liter. I did not drink for a year, but here I started again) This is terrible! While I can’t learn English), maybe later I will start to study. Yes, I like it when there are a lot of people, and I feel that I am helping my father. But I only work a couple of hours a day.
Yes, for the sixth day in a row, almost a liter of wine a day ((. I used to hate working in this store, but now it gives me at least some sense.
Jul 07, 2020
I decided not to drink anymore, although without alcohol my mood is terrible. I again feel insecure, sad, etc. Today I work in a store, there are very few people, because I am a sluggish seller, and I do not offer anything, and I do not joke with people. When I drink wine, I become a different person, but I decided not to drink anymore !!
but in general my dream is to live somewhere a hermit in the forest. I really don’t like people! Today, one customer told me why I’m sitting in a store if I don’t know the goods, at such moments I want to leave people far away. Sorry that I am writing you such a negative ((
I will try not to drink anymore). Because after that, everything hurts. Although nothing in life gives me such joy as drinking. I have several friends, sometimes I talk on the phone. Thank you for your support) You are very kind. I hope your mood is better than mine).
Jul 09, 2020
I think I can’t tell my psychologist my problems. I complain to my friends, each a little, and it’s easier for me. And I told you a little bit. Today I was dishonored again in the store, due to ignorance of the goods)). I found the remnants of wine, a little bit and drank to drown my shame)). But I will no longer buy wine.
I think not Kiev, not my nephews will help me anymore. My own family (husband) would help me. But probably it’s my rock to always be alone. Everything else is meaningless to me. I hope my nagging does not spoil your mood)
Jul 16, 2020
I still have little new. I go to the store every day. Today I went to Kiev to wish my grandmother a happy birthday. Her friend was visiting her at that moment, so I felt uneasy. Because I know they think I’m weird and wild)).
Jul 19, 2020
Grandmother’s character is terrible). But due to the fact that we see each other very rarely, we do not quarrel. But as a child, I often visited her in the village, it was in Russia. I was afraid of her, as she was very strict and always yelled at us for any reason.
Jul 26, 2020
I still work a couple of hours a day at the store. Mom went to rest on the sea, my father and I live together. Perhaps today I will go to Kiev, I myself do not know why yet).
You asked about my grandmother) She always had a very strict character, I think that my grandmother contributed to my self-esteem), but I am not offended, I rarely communicate with her and therefore we do not quarrel). But when we were children, she often took us to the country for the summer in Russia, there was an extraordinary nature, wild forests, … I still often dream of places where I rested with her.
Aug 06, 2020
I have nothing new yet. Mom called me to her at sea, but I didn’t want to. I need to look for a job in Kiev, although I can’t even imagine which one).
Aug 08, 2020
Are you asking why I don’t want to go to the sea ?. I think because it is not very interesting with parents)) control). Maybe later I’ll go somewhere alone.
I feel good) How are you? Yes, we also have these days very hot! Now I’m in my father’s store, but there are no buyers).
Aug 18, 2020
Hi) Today I am in the store since 7 am because today is market day. But today few sellers have arrived, so there are few people in the bazaar.
We had a strong heat today, but the nights are already chilly. I don’t want the summer to end. I didn’t sell a lot, because I don’t know how to offer a product, I just sell what they ask for. Unlike my father, he can sell anything)). My dad knows how to find an approach to any person, make him laugh and charm, here everyone adores and respects him. Also, many take advantage of his kindness, borrow and do not give it back). But I am the complete opposite)).
Aug 19, 2020
Yes, I’ve never figured out how to deal with colleagues who are rude. But now I realized that one cannot be silent and swallow an offense. I will also answer rudeness with rudeness, but a little with humor. After all, when you are silent, resentment accumulates inside, and life becomes very difficult. I will take an example from my father, he never takes offense if people start being rude, he always puts them in their place.
For example, my father recently worked in his shop. Because his legs often hurt a lot and it was difficult for him to get up, he sat. When the customer entered and asked about the product, the father replied that he did not know for sure if there was a product, and indicated to the person where the product might be so that he could find it. Then the buyer was very indignant why such a bad seller did not show the product itself. And the father said: “Okay, now I’ll show you,” and showed him the way out, and said “get out of here, boor))
Nov 09, 2020
So far, everything is still) I live with my parents, but I still dream of leaving. Sometimes I paint when I’m in the mood.
Nov 12, 2020
Unfortunately, I cannot show my pictures, since I no longer have Telegrams. I lived for several months without a phone (broke down), and I liked it, but my father gave me a new phone :), and now I’m surfing the Internet for days again. Today I had to go to the store at 7 in the morning, today is a market day, but I chickened out and did not go out, because I feel a strong feeling of awkwardness in front of other sellers, because I do not communicate with them, and they are all friendly with each other, and I hate myself for that :).
Nov 13, 2020
I feel fine with customers, but the informal setting scares me. It’s just that I’m not pleased with the fact that all the sellers think that I am an introverted person, unlike my father). I told my sister a little, but she does not fully understand me.
Dec 03, 2020
I rarely go to my father’s shop now. Since it gets dark early on the street, the store is open only until 3 pm, one grandmother works there, she helps her father. I’m looking for a job, although I don’t know where to go to work, maybe a salesman. If I find anything, I’ll tell you).
Dec 04, 2020
Yes, my grandmother is very friendly, she loves my dad very much, and has been helping him for 6 years, she works in the store every day, constantly brings him home cooked food. Today I am sitting in a store, and a customer just came in and said that the whole family had had a coronavirus. Many people in our village are already sick.
Dec 10, 2020
Hi, today I again did not go to the store at 7 in the morning, because today is a market day and there are many sellers) also because on market days you cannot heat with wood in the store, neighboring sellers complain that soot settles on their goods. At about 12 noon, the bazaar leaves and the stove can be re-melted, and if not heated, the store is very cold, so the sutra did not come out today. Are you still doing work from home? What is your mood?
Jan 11, 2021
Happy New Year and Merry Christmas! I have everything still. There is nothing new yet, perhaps in the spring I will move to Kiev, in anticipation of this, my mood is much better.
Feb 08, 2021
I hope everything is fine with you. I am already in Kiev, but I still feel anxiety)). Now I definitely need to look for a job, I am looking through the options, and I think I will soon go and any. I will not draw any more, since I really have no talent. It takes several years to study this craft hard in order to paint at least at an intermediate level.
The thought that I could help my parents and nephews with the money I earned, but I don’t do it, the thoughts about it kill me.
It’s good in Kiev, I am again among the people. I like to be around people, but not to communicate closely. But if I don’t go to work in the next few days, I’ll die of hunger)).
Feb 14, 2021
Nothing new so far). Yes, I am looking for a job on the Internet, tomorrow I will call employers.
Feb 15, 2021
Happy Valentine’s Day to you)
Feb 16, 2021
I’m not waiting for Valentine anymore) In Ukraine, girls of this age and without a family are considered old maidens, men choose younger ones. In addition, we have a lot of beautiful girls). Therefore, I think I will be alone for the rest of my life. But there are many advantages to this. You can fall in love with a new person at least every day. Be creative, and nothing will distract, etc.
Feb 17, 2021
Everyone has their own time. I even begin to rejoice at my loneliness, since most of my acquaintances and even relatives are very unhappy in marriage, and suffer, but they cannot leave the family, because there are small children.
Feb 24, 2021
I don’t know. everyone has different reasons. But it seems to me that before marriage, a person needs to be carefully looked at. For example, if a person likes to drink, then most likely they will become a drunkard. If a guy who has a girlfriend often looks at other girls, then in the future he will betray his girlfriend. But people do not pay attention to these small details, and they turn into divorce. I don’t understand anything about this topic at all. I begin to believe in fate, maybe someone is not given to have a family, and such a person would be better off alone.
Feb 25, 2021
My position is the same) because of this, the mood spoils. I really hope that we will find work soon).
Mar 02, 2021
Yes, I’m in Kiev, but I haven’t found a job yet….our salaries are too small to survive). Today I went to my niece’s birthday, she is 8 years old, this is the only thing that lifted my spirits.
Apr 11, 2021
Hi, Sorry that I rarely answer, because I have no news. I even began to drink sedatives so that it was not so anxious. How are you? Any changes?)
Apr 13, 2021
Hello, and I also sit at home and kneel with fear of going to an interview. But I’ll go soon) These are good sedatives, but you can’t combine alcohol with them, it’s dangerous.
Apr 15, 2021
I tried to repeat with oil paints like that of the famous artist Ivan Aivazovsky. It’s hard, because I haven’t studied anywhere, and I don’t know how to do it right. But I’m glad for that, though. I suffered for several days)… I am also looking for a job.
There is one pharmacy where these pills are sold without a prescription, but of course they are expensive. I’ll drink another month. No, I did not go to the doctors, my mother used to drink them. In Russian “Gedozipam”
From the pills, peace appeared in the soul. I feel bad that I do not work and do not help my parents, but they are not young. And my conscience gnawed at me. But this week I’ll go at least wash the floors, I don’t care anymore
I want to paint small pictures, and not with oil, but with acrylic paints
Yes of course)… You can embellish the story with different romantic stories, whatever you want, but only my photo is scary to upload) it is better not)
Acrylic painting by correspondent, 2021 – if you would like to support the artist’s work, contact me
During pregnancy, the risks of taking antidepressant medication, including selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs), must be balanced against the risk to the mother and the foetus of withdrawal symptoms from ceasing intake, including depression and anxiety symptoms.
In the detailed personal account linked below, US military partner, Summer, living in Germany, followed her doctor’s advice, at six weeks, to stop taking Zoloft (Sertraline), an SSRI that she had been on for over three years – as well as Topamax, for her migraines. Whilst she does not state what the doctor’s reasoning was, she writes, having conducted her own research: “Zoloft is not as dangerous to the fetus, but it has been shown to cause withdrawals in the baby immediately after birth (like excessive crying). Topamax has up to a 3% chance of causing cleft lip and/or cleft palate if taken during the first trimester. (Source: FDA).”
The severe withdrawal symptoms of headaches, nausea and vomiting meant that Summer eventually resumed taking Zoloft. After discussions with a psychiatrist, she was put on the maximum dosage of 200 mg: ” The research seemed inconclusive as to the risks for the baby, but even more so, the risk of becoming severely depressed could be even more harmful to the baby.”
She describes feeling better and being more active but continued to experience vomiting and social anxiety about doing so in public. She also says that she lost enjoyment in doing activities she normally enjoys. At the time of writing the account, she was 24 weeks pregnant and still struggling with anxiety and sickness but describes having a routine and being physically active.
The dilemma of taking antidepressant medication during pregnancy is one that should be raised with all women who are prescribed. Withdrawal from SSRIs is recommended to be done gradually, to reduce withdrawal symptoms. In England, the health service advises that: “As a precaution, antidepressants are not usually recommended for most pregnant women, especially during the early stages of a pregnancy. This is because they might be dangerous for your baby. But exceptions can be made if the risks – including of taking Citalopram and/or Sertaline – posed by depression (or other mental health conditions) outweigh any potential risks of treatment.”
Image designed by Anna Vanes. For stock image and other credits, click here.
To read the full blog-post by Summer on her blog, OutsideThisSmallTown.com, click the link below.
Pregnancy comes with a range of emotions — highs and lows. While it’s a beautiful thing bringing life into this world, the toll it can take on a first-time mother isn’t something commonly discussed. I want to tell you about my personal experience — my first and second trimester of pregnancy and the mental, emotional, […]