Trying to find a path to financial sustenance and survival

By Jay

It’s sometimes said that if you don’t get selected after an interview that it probably means the job wasn’t right for you anyway. Invariably, this will be said of those who, due to some perceived vulnerability, struggle to compete in the job market. In other words, the market is generally right and it’s probably for the best – and, you’ll find your rightful place eventually. Like other generalisations about the efficacy of market situations, it will be accurate about some but ignores the impact that the whole set-up and process has on vulnerable individuals. Repeated rejection and isolation will take its toll on some people, whilst others will have the resilience and support to absorb set backs. Many people will never find their ‘rightful’ place.

For someone with social anxiety symptoms and feelings of hopelessness, for example, career options and ambitions may be narrow and difficult to navigate. An interview can feel like a form of humiliation, exposing one’s confusions and vulnerabilities or, even, disabilities, in a situation of judgement. Interview rejections are an added pain upon that experience. Attaining roles that only offer routine work, without support for progression or poor work conditions can contribute to worsening health.

Decisions by interviewers may often be well-founded, intentioned and, perhaps, often correct Placing someone in a role beyond their capacity would likely be harmful, as well as counter-productive for the organisation. However, implicit in the logic of our economy and the sustenance market that provides its labour is that wealth and control is, generally, for the ‘able’ or ‘most productive’ and the rest is for the less able or vulnerable.

Fortunately, in an economically privileged country like the UK, there are opportunities and there are legal protection against discrimination and, also, some affirmative action schemes for disabled individuals. The publicly funded sector, I have found, can be somewhat easier to find and maintain roles in, due to less of a pressure on output – though, in the UK, the public sector is under attack from government through defunding, creating fewer opportunities and more difficult working conditions.

As a vulnerable person, due to health, including social anxiety symptoms and finances, finding a career path has proven very difficult. In my youth, absorbed by fear and avoidance, the world of work was beyond my imagination. Over a decade later, having done a variety of customer service and administrative type roles, and spells of being without an income or employment, relying on family, I am currently applying for administrative roles without any conviction and much fear and despair. Unsurprisingly, I’m being rejected regularly at interviews – though I am fortunate to get to the interviews due to the support from my family that enabled me to attain some academic qualifications and basic digital and administrative skills and experience. I am also fortunate to have comfortable housing and food due to family support.

I’m in my 30s and the extent of my family support cannot last another several years. I am finally being forced to reckon with how I will sustain myself more independently. I have worked in various temporary administration roles, mostly, in the public sector, intermittently, over the past few years. I have not pushed on due to my social anxiety symptoms, confusion about my wants and feelings of hopelessness about finding my place in society.

Not having any meaningful focus for my future, the process of making choices as to what to try is overwhelming. From geographical location – even the country, to sector, type of role and hours, I have uncertainties which make it hard to make any decision as to where and what to apply for. The benefit of having my family safety net is that, currently, desperation for any job to survive does not exist. That desperation could be helpful in some situations, forcing them into change and finding their way. However, I am sure that, equally, that desperation could push some into places that are unsuitable or damaging for them.

Having struggled to face the confusion and uncertainty of searching online for jobs, this New Year, I have fallen back into the least difficult but somewhat stagnant process of applying for temporary administrative roles in my local area which might give me work for a short period, quite good pay but leave me in the same situation in terms of knowledge, capability and vulnerability as when I started. These roles are advertised together on one site and only require the submission of a CV and cover letter. There is no lengthy application registration and completion process for each role. Having updated my CV, I, generally, write a few unique paragraphs for the cover letter and am able to apply for a role within, perhaps, twenty minutes. Generally, these temporary roles are awarded without any interview.

Next week, I will start such a month-long temporary administrative type role – though the precise duties are unknown to me. I feel emotionally empty and some dread about this latest stint in a nomadic and directionless path. It will occupy my time and mind, so that I will suspend, mostly, my fretting and thinking about the future. However, the pay will be quite good and it will be in the public sector, with a university, so I am hoping that the pressures will not be too intense. I will be expected to work in the office two days a week, which will be a first for nearly two years, since pre-pandemic, in March 2020. My counsellor suggested that it may be an opening for longer-term work but, as impractical and negative as it sounds, the idea of long-term administrative work makes me feel despair. Though, it must said, that that is based on the abstract and my estimations, as I haven’t started the role.

I must still try to figure out my future means of sustainable and long-term income. At the moment, I feel like flotsam in the sea, very vulnerable due to my health and finances and, also, due to my lack of knowledge or skill, beyond the relatively commonplace digital skills. My family are keeping me afloat. I have considered further education but cannot think of what I would study. I sometimes fantasise, out of the periphery of my shrunken imagination, of making an income writing but without much action or hope. Recently, I have wondered about working in hospitality in a new location, perhaps, a new country, to gain experience in independence and potentially develop some confidence. It could revive my desire and enthusiasm for writing, though, there is little past evidence that it would. Then, I wonder whether I should apply to work in some university library as they pay reasonably well and I find educational environments match some of my interests.

Making decisions without a means to narrow down and focus the options is really difficult, especially, when troubled by fear. Currently, I am waiting until despair and financial pressure makes me take weakly thought out and cautious steps, based on prior experience. It does not feel like a solution to the wider malaise but I can only hope that it might take me somewhere.

20th Jan 2022

There is always a reason to keep going – Finding Room to Fail

By Davey;

I have struggled with mental health issues my whole life. Varying degrees of sporadic anxiety and depression have prevented me from achieving past goals, helping others, taking care of my physical health, enjoying a good social life, pursuing several career paths. I look back at most of my life and realise that these two dark clouds – depression and anxiety – have covered me wherever I have been.

The key, I have found, is to not blame myself for any moments that may have occurred when mental health has prevented me from doing something. It took me many, many years to overcome the habit of laying heaps of blame at my own door, bemoaning my past actions, telling myself I should have pushed myself more. I found that such a way of thinking added many more layers to my already poor self-image. By blaming myself in such a harsh, direct way, I convinced myself that I was useless, powerless, and would never amount to anything. I held myself back, told myself that there was no point in applying for such and such a job, or pursuing a particular flight of fancy. I pitied myself. I bullied myself. Deep down, I hated myself.

I was wrong.

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Of a simpler time – a poem

By Akhilesh;

Don’t you remember those days?
When you knew where you lived,
from the neighbours around you.
When you knew who you were,
from those loved ones who reminded you of yourself in dark times.
When houses were built to house people,
and not empty things and objects that no-one really wants.

Do you remember those days,
when the summer rains would blow from the west precisely at four in the evening?
And the kind Ajji next door will remind you that your clothes are out.
When everybody knew everybody and their everybody.
You hated the fact that you couldn’t be invisible.
Be careful what you wish for.
Today all of us are invisible in the maddening crowd,
Invisible and insignificant.

I remember those days,
when we didn’t know where we would be eating tonight.
Not for any lack, but a surplus of loving kitchens.
When, cricket was played on the streets,
until the street lamps glowed orange, or until the ball was lost.
Those unfettered days of freedom, have we tasted,
and nothing seems sweeter than that first love.

My friend, let us remember those days,
When life was far simpler.
The continuity of the past brought a comfort in a fast changing world.
Our desires were simple, our possession simpler.
Our minds in search for the truest expression of the self.
Our bodies clothed by simple expressions of the tailor,
Our hearts unmasked from the insatiable greed of being a consumer.

I remember those days,
When the streets would go quiet by seven,
And the night would cast her shadows deep into
the ancient trees that dotted the square.
When the morning would indeed be our morning,
rising with dawn to welcome the sun’s blessing into our homes.

Alas, todays illumination is without,
from cell phones that cast eerie shadows on your dim faces well into the night.
And today’s connection is to be found in an etherial realm.
We are closer and yet father than we ever could be.

I yearn for those bygone days,
where simplicity was a virtue.
And a human was still a human.

Akhilesh, India

Change and Growth

On being present for growth – Joshua;

Nothing seems to have certainty except for the three phases of existence (birth , life and death).

You ever feel like you wanna do something but your body won’t let you? Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own my body.

Not like those people who think they were meant to be a man but they were born female. No , I mean that gut wrenching feeling that you are meant to go in a certain direction but you can’t , you don’t know how or where that direction is. That’s what I feel right now.

To be honest that’s probably not the best description for it , but that’s the best way I can put it into words. I’ve done A LOT of meditation, hours upon hours for the past 3-4 years and there’s a sense you get when you’ve been doing it for that long. The sense is like feeling that your mind and body are two different beings? If that’s a way to put it. Or that the real you is separate from your ego, and your ego puts you in a blind autonomous state, just moving through life without too much thought. It’s a very trapped feeling when you want to get off that conveyor belt of life and move into the direction that you truly want to be. At least the direction that you THINK you want to be.

But now I feel like I’m off topic, there’s a sense in me that I am meant for more. There’s also images in my dreams that I see of possible futures I could have had but my choices led me here and now. (Not trying to get religious in my blog but) God has laid the path for me, and all my dreams I see the same ending. That must be the same for you (the reader) , what ever path in life you must take the ending is the same right? I see myself with some success, moderate fame and enough money that I can live and not worry about the mundane stuff that life throws at me , the stuff I worry about now.

Continue reading “Change and Growth”