Nihilism

Princess Beef writes about her recent experiences of feelings of detachment and both the escape and possibility it brings. The piece was first published on her site.

I couldn’t think of a better word or descriptor of how I’ve been feeling lately.

When time stops and for a couple of seconds there is no shame, anxiety, or uncomfortability; I don’t even have to think about breathing or blinking. It’s like my soul detaches from my mortal circumstance and there’s only peace, knowing, and existing just to exist. When I’m in that haze I feel like a sedated rabbit. My fight or flight is muffled by an SSRI and instead of feeling blind to survival, my sense of reason seems sharpened. Being able to access logic in an artistic mind is a godly duo unlike anything I’ve experienced before. Intellect and creation allow me to have theories and observe them without emotion getting in the way.

I don’t know why it happens sometimes. Nothing in particular triggers that switch. I recognize my insatiable longing for that moment when stuck in-between—a type of derealization that’s both comforting and numbing where I have the illusion of having control, or lack thereof. Sometimes I feel like my body is an avatar capable of bending this reality to my will; and other times I feel like living is chaos and it doesn’t matter what happens because human existence is just a speck in both our timeline, and the universe. I’m fine with either because both things are empowering to me. I always thought being my own God was only achievable in fantasy fiction, but when you allow that shift in perspective, no task seems insurmountable.

Maybe this detached feeling is a side effect of the world we live in. We seek connection but are the most disconnected we’ve ever been. We wake up always on the brink of destruction and it’s disheartening to plug into a news source, because things no longer have to have credibility. And when there is truth, it’s like lounging in a field of death, accepting the worst of our kind.

Mayhap’s I’m a foot away from enlightenment—or madness.

Regardless, it’s isolating because I feel like I have answers but no one was asking. The past four or five years I’ve been doing a deep dive into psychology, spirituality, religious practices, and whether humans are inherently good or evil. The worst part is living on a dying planet and knowing what needs to be done, but being powerless on the larger scale.

I just want to know if this is my Virgo rising manifesting—is this how air signs feel all the time?! So unbothered but so apathetic *cry emoji*.

I also wonder at times if this is my mind protecting itself from the harsh realities of life. Will this become a trauma gap in the future, even though this is perceivably the happiest I’ve ever been? Surely dealing with a pandemic, being surrounded by death, relationship troubles big and small, and centering my wants and needs around MYSELF are all likely to cause a paradigm shift. Am I building a city inside my boundaries? Am I capable of flourishing, growing flowers in a swamp?

Through it all, life is relentlessly worth it. I make a plan and then it happens—making me think life is much simpler than we make it. We literally only stop ourselves from doing what we want to do. Our perception of free will isn’t fucked by God, it’s fucked by society. We’ve built boxes to put ourselves into—laws, politics, religion, appearance, wealth, trends…we let our environment persuade us to alter ourselves to fit a script. All this sounds a little hokey but why do we fight wars? Why do we hate our bodies—the vessels of our consciousness that literally tether us to the living world?! Why do we destroy our home that’s irreplaceable? Why do we let people erase our boundaries and abuse us?

We can’t manipulate the bigger picture but we can live life less seriously and decide our own morality.

Some Twitter thoughts:

  • I think it’s super weird how you aren’t considered progressive if you don’t support every single movement that exists—like you aren’t allowed to disagree with things that are actually terrible ideas?! I don’t have specific examples for this because every person has different things they jive with. I do believe in human and animal rights, but all that is curtailed by religion and government—HOT TAKE—both of which I think will be regarded as indicators of mental illness in the future.
  • It’s fucked up that we have identity fraud and what our concept of modern identity is. We exist even if we don’t have documents, don’t we? Yet everything is determined by numbers, which solidifies the theory of us being in a simulation, like we’re run off of binary code. That’s why there’s no reasoning, it’s all in the programming.
  • I like how a lot of us are fucked up by our parents and that literally stunts us mentally. We are just damaged animals that never reach their full potential. Our development is so dependent on our elders. What a scam. I honestly sort of like the crunchy lifestyle parenting because I feel that it focuses on the nuclear level of our humanity versus what society expects.
  • TW: Suicide I think something that’s pretty remarkable is how like. People can kill themselves whenever the fuck they want. Literally you can just eat your fucking breakfast and assume everyone you know is alive, until they aren’t. (Same for accidental deaths)

by Princess Beef, BeefTalksAboutIt