Mental Health is a Bitch! – Finding self-esteem and support

By 3andme;

I’m not gonna lie these past couple of years have changed me. For better or worse who knows. To be honest if the past couple of years haven’t changed you are you even human? or are you lying to yourself?

I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions and recently i think everything has come to a head, or at least i can admit now that i am struggling. My head is a mess. I am a mess. I have had enough!

Since i was a teenager i struggled with mental health issues, but back then there was no support… or if there was i certainly didn’t get it. So i muddled through and was quite proud that i could drag myself out of the deep dark holes all by myself.

I recently turned 34 and cried as i didn’t understand why i still felt like i was the same messed up teenager. In my head i still feel like that scared angry child that no one seemed to understand. I was struggling to wake up in the mornings as just didn’t see the point, i would cry myself to sleep with so many different things going round in my head, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, i was having panic attacks and I was constantly tearful.

In the past couple of years I have lost 3 family members, one of which was my Dad. I lost ‘friends’ through setting boundaries which they didn’t care for, I have been gossiped about and had my parenting questioned by these so called ‘friends’ because they took me needing space to grieve and find myself as a personal attack and used anything they could to try to discredit me, I had my heart broken after guarding and protecting it for the past 8 years, i moved to what was supposed to be my dream house but has become a nightmare of never ending repairs and i now feel completely and utterly broken.

Because of always having to drag myself out of the dark places by the time my Dad was diagnosed with cancer late 2019 i was so cold and closed off and got into the habit of shutting myself and my heart down that i barely shed a tear. His diagnosis brought up alot of unhealed wounds but instead of dealing with them i focused on anything but that. I can see why this was not a good idea now. So when the first lockdown came just a couple of weeks after his death I intended to use that time to focus on myself and kids and address some of the issues I had with my Dad and myself but i needed the space to do so… hence the setting boundaries.

I am they type of person who always thinks i am to blame for everything, i take on guilt that deep down I know doesn’t belong to me, I internalise all the nasty things people say about me behind my back as if they were true, i hate myself instead of hating the people who hurt me as after all why would i be the one who is left broken? I obviously deserve it…. except i don’t. No one does.

Last week i had a shift in mindset for a day and I realised that although broken and exhausted and feeling like i don’t want to live anymore, i get up everyday, I cook, i clean, i work, i deal with meltdowns and i still fight for all the support that my children need. I check in on my friends when i can and help whoever needs help when i am able to. I am not a terrible person, I am a human as well as a mum and a carer. I can only do so much.

This change in mindset lasted all of a day and then i went back to tormenting myself and hating myself for every mistake i have ever made. Thats when i realised i am depressed. I had to admit it, I am depressed and this time i cannot get myself out of this hole without help.

I need help!

Such a hard thing to admit isnt it. especially when you have to be the strong one, you have no one to lean on, no one to pick up the slack when you feel like you cant go on any more. So i need a plan of attack. I still need to help myself as i always have but i also need to reach out. I have self referred myself to CBT and should hopefully start that in a few weeks. I need to be kinder to myself and realise i am not a failure because im struggling, i have been through a lot.

3andme, UK

Author: Workers' Archive

Covering sensitivity at work and beyond on my website:

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