Not another F*ing Christmas? Reflecting on childhood memories

By Halima;

When we think about healing we often envision a great big light at the end of an uphill ride full of sunshine and smiles. The truth is healing is more like a rollercoaster. Full of ups riddled in anticipation and excitement and crushing, stomach tightening and frightening downs, such as is life. Healing comes in fully accepting and embracing all these moments as they are.

Winter isn’t an easy time for many of us. For those healing from trauma and abuse, it’s also a time where grief tends to sneak back in.

Winter and all its celebrations are a constant yearly reminder of all that we lost as children and now as adults. Because let’s be honest, time does not heal all wounds. The wound that is left by the grief of being in survival Self only grows deeper the longer it is left to be. Because it’s not just the childhood that we lost. It’s all the moments as adults where we couldn’t be ourselves that are still stolen from us.

Healing is also realizing that we were asleep for a long while.

I woke up this morning, watching the rain and the grey skies pouring over Suffolk. I plan my day over coffee as I do every morning. These last few mornings, I just want to curl up on the couch and escape over a movie but this morning I feel a ball in the pit of my stomach. It is sad, and dark, and growing. I should recognize it, it comes every year. Grief.

It takes strength and courage to run away from your abuser, to go no contact at all. To start a family of your own and begin your healing journey. But nothing ever can heal the loss of a parent, and the abandonment that comes with it. Winter and all its celebrations are a constant reminder of just that. That deep down, I’m just a little girl who wants nothing but to be loved by her parents.

The old me, my survival Self would have said, toughen up. It is what it is. Feeling sad is a weakness. But the new me, my healed self, knows better. The new me knows that grief is part of the healing journey and that there is power in allowing myself to feel it all. The pain, the loneliness, the abandonment, the anger, all of it.

That little girl in me that showed up today, needs compassion, and patience. It’s okay not to be okay. Besides, better to let it out now than on Christmas day right?

15 Nov, 2021


Author: Workers' Archive

Covering sensitivity at work and beyond on my website:

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