Where to go? The struggle of disassociation and fear.

Fear, hopelessness and sorrow can cause us to try and separate ourselves from society, not just out of self-protection but, also, self-detachment or disassociation. It can be difficult to take any action because we lose touch with our self. Without the guidance of interests, passions and hopes, inertia can result.

I don’t know much about myself at the moment, but, I know that I sometimes am interested in reading and, also, history. I question myself whether these interests are just another means to avoid action and enable disassociation.

Moreover, they’re not consistent guides, as, for example, my choice of reading is irregular and depends a lot on chance. Lately, I have been mostly moved to leave my home for either walks in nature or to attend places of historical memory, especially, museums or cemeteries. In one case, this was triggered by reading a biography of a famous writer. I still don’t have a sense of taking necessary and important actions and have doubts about why I am doing things but, I do feel that these interests are worth holding onto for me.

I feel that, sometimes, we act to try to attain an imagined ideal and not what we truly want or need. It can be difficult to know what is motivating us, at times. It feels frightening to act, knowing the unreliability of our own thinking and judgment. Then, not acting can be very painful and difficult too.

~

Graveyard

Some dream
dropped leaves

a flower left
on stone

a path between

in the church
a man
blows out candles

~~

In the trees
silence plays

words
behind lips

dreams
without sleep.

~~~

The ash tree
of light embrace

Near, a woman
replaces an aged stone

The birds
flit between.

08/11/21

Author: Workers' Archive

Covering sensitivity at work and beyond on my website: https://samuelaliblog.wordpress.com/

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