Private outdoor space – lifestyle preference and change


It’s going to be so glorious to have private outdoor space honestly. It’s something I got to have only growing up, in rural NY, and as an adult I really haven’t gotten to have at all. Living in apartments, duplexes, and townhomes, you don’t really get to have a private yard. There might be a yard, but it’s shared. There’s no privacy. There’s people and their kids being loud. Cars driving by, people walking by on the sidewalk really up close.

It’s awkward at times. Especially when I’m outside with my cat on a leash. Especially when Mormons come upon me sitting outside and I was too busy reading to notice them and run inside.

I just want my own outdoor space, secluded, where no one can bother me. At 32 years old I might finally get my own outdoor space and have it for the rest of my life. So that’s exciting.

In Portland we were unable to find a house available to rent, with a yard or a garage. We had to settle for a fiveplex type situation – kind of like a house, single story, but with neighbors surrounding and attached, no real yard to speak of just a very small outdoor patio type situation.

Then here in Utah it was the same problem…such limited space we could look for housing (and still be close to my office) and no houses for rent hardly, none affordable. So we settled for a townhouse which at least wasn’t an apartment – but it’s the same issues with not having a garage (for Seth) and not having any private yard (for me). There’s a decent expanse of lawn out front, but there’s also a somewhat busy road right in front, sidewalk with people walking by, neighbors kids running around at times, it’s just not private at all. Then in the back we have a small patio type area…but the view is of the parking lot…and often neighbors walk by.

Not to sound so crotchety and like I don’t want to talk to any neighbors ever but…I like my privacy. I’m an introvert and I have social anxiety. If my anxiety is bad, I don’t really want to be around people because it makes it worse sometimes. I just want to be left alone. A private backyard sounds like absolute heaven. With a fence to act like outdoor walls…a view of some woods…

North Carolina has SO MANY houses to rent compared to Utah or Portland, or even my hometown. We’re also not limited to a specific location so it’s been glorious… having no problem at all finding houses to rent, with ACTUAL YARDS. Now, finding a house that is nice and has everything we want (a yard, porch, AND garage) at a reasonable price has been a bit difficult. If we’re willing to pay for it, we could have everything we want in a house…but the question is do we want to save money, or have everything our heart desires? It’s a tough question.

I am making a lot more money than I was…and my pay is only going to increase as I get raises and promotions but that’s counting my chickens before they hatch…and anyway, I still have student loans to pay, and I do want to start saving money. I’ve been breaking even pretty much up to this point every month, which is pretty sad, but now that I’m making more I might be able to actually save and “stack cash” as the kids say.

Ultimately we did find a house that seems to have everything we both want and have wanted for a long time now… Seth has waited years to be able to have a garage again and I’ve waited years to have my own yard/porch it’s a bit more than I was hoping to pay but we can afford it between the two of us and anyway it’s only temporary until we buy a house, and then our monthly payment will likely be less.

We applied and I feel relieved. Hoping we get approved soon and can move in before winter…but even if we move during winter oh well I guess. Seth doesn’t seem worried about moving during winter. I am because I’ve experienced driving in upstate NY Winters. It’s no joke. It’s terrifying and dangerous. He’s only really experienced winter driving once. But I’m not sure what the rest of the country is like and how it will be.

My anxiety has been getting bad the past few days…maybe it’s the annual PTSD. I’m sure it is. My brother’s death day is coming up very soon. My chest hurts, feels hard to breathe, muscles are tight and sore, feeling really dizzy and strange, like my brain has this whooshy sensation and it feels like I might pass out, weird piercing tinnitus randomly in my ears. Really weird symptoms.

20 October, 2021

My Dysfunctional Life Blog, Utah, US

Author: Workers' Archive

Covering sensitivity at work and beyond on my website:

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